Over the last 7 months i have written close to 30 posts describing the various feelings and emotions inside of me, Its time for me to consolidate everything and ask myself, exactly what have i learnt from what i have felt and how that has or should change/ define me. Ok now i am sure that half of you would probably have closed this page and gone to stalk other people on facebook, for those few who are jobless enough to read this entry, I would like to pour out to you a few things I have been thinking about.

Ok the most important thing I am confused about,,, Do i Bullshit way to much for my own good? I really wanna know, cause i want people to believe me when i say something and not pass me off as a person who just talks cause he has nothing significant to say. You may say that this is something which defines me and i should not bother about it, but you know what, I have tried , trust me when i say this. I have tried hard, but it just keeps coming back at me, and now i realize that i cant ignore it anymore.

Secondly, something that has been bouncing in my head for a long time now and i have been unable to follow what i had realized a few months ago - the fact that everyone is selfish and all of us need to predominantly live for ourselves without giving a much of nickel about others. I am of course not talking about our really close friends, but rather those friends yet strangers around us. I sometimes do think that I am a bit of a push over cause I can hardly say No to anyone when they ask me something genuinely. ( its true I am not Bull Shitting). I dont know whether that makes me nice or just plain stupid.

Thirdly I have decided that i just wanna live a simple live, I am not really sure what aspects of my life i need to change for that or what direction that will need me, but boy o boy i do need this. I can’t express by words the pleasure i see in the simplest people and things around me. I only see chaos and anger in the rest. No i dont want to be a saint or a sage and go live in the Himalayas. All I want to do is wake up every morning without a worry and complication in my mind, whether its about people around me or even just me, myself.

Lastly I just know one thing for sure – I LOVE MY FRIENDS MORE THAN THEY CAN ABSOLUTELY BLOODY IMAGINE. You know who you guys are and all i want to say is Thank you… No more Goodbyes…

People change over time. Hell I know I have changed a lot. I have changed in ways I would have never imagined myself to do so. Who I am now consists of a large fragment of this collective sets of personality traits and lifestyle, which would have been frowned upon, if not deeply despised by who I was 3 years ago.

I sometimes wonder, shouldn’t I be aiming to become a better man today, than who I was yesterday? If yes then the way I am going about this whole thing might be a bit messed up. On one hand I think that in order to distinguish between right and wrong, we need to know and understand what wrong is, and the only way to do is to do the wrong. But the fatal flaw in most of us is that we are under the false impression that we ourselves are  the manipulators of our thoughts and reaction. Once we do something which we had previously perceived to be wrong, our judgements get clouded and we find excuses for ourselves and before we know it, we make these excuses our reality and start believing in them and that’s how my friends, most of us stray away.

But everyone wakes up, most later than when they would have liked to and this section of people right here are ones who suffer. I am going to count myself into one of them. We suffer from this endless list of regrets. One wrong decision leads to another wrong decision and this string continues endlessly. All we do is regret about what we have done at various parts of our lives and search hard for any opportunities in the future which will help us negate this pain… By luck if such a present knocks on our doorsteps, even then most of us don’t have the courage to take the road we avoided the first time.

Life spins its wheels in manners which we cannot begin to comprehend, or hope to understand. We are just marionettes of our choices. we can make the choices but we can never control what the choices will make of us.

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How can you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever… so far, so good.

20 – What happens if you get scared half to death…twice?

21 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

22 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

23 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

24 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

25 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

26 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

27 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

All i can tell is that it hurts….

her heart held in her hands.

She felt her breath gettin heavy,

And she knew she had to get away.

.

The Autumn leaves brushing against her ankles

The occasion gust of wind blowing on her face

Tears couldnt stop flowin from her half closed eyes

No reason, no hope, no belief, no lie.

.

Her heart longed for embrace,

her feeling lay bare.

She longed to be understood, to be heard

All they did was closed their eyes,

As she looked up in despair.

.

And as she bent down on her knees,she wondered

Why does it always have to be me.

She tried to forget wat she had lost

but her heart couldnt seem to shake away-

the pain she felt time and time again…

I am an addict, of the path which leads to nowhere.
I am a soldier, who cant push the trigger.
I am a wanderer, lost in my thoughts.
I am a lover, with nothin to love.
I am a tide, waiting to cry.
I am a morning light, trying to pry.
I am a swift wind, trying to hide.
I am a cloud, about to break into two.
I am a tree, finding my roots,
I am a fish, seeking the sunlight.
I am a dew drop, waiting to fall down.
I am the soil, trying to hold on.

I am an addict, of all things happy
I am a soldier, seeking true peace.
I am a wanderer, exploring new places.
I am a lover, living a dream.
I am a tide, full of emotions.
I am a morning light, opening my eyes.
I am a swift wind, dancing away.
I am a cloud, enjoying the Sun.
I am a tree, spreading my branches.
I am a fish, riding the ocean.
I am a dew drop, pure as can be.
I am the soil, bathing in the rain.

If you dunt find the answers u seek,
Just remember no matter what it is,
Theres always a good side to everything.

Firstly the whole concept of Noetic science is so super cool… Just imagine, your thought has a mass. This thought can actually interact with the physical surrounding around you. If we can control and concentrate our thought, i.e. are able to meditate properly, we will be able to very effectively interact with objects around us without even moving an inch. When I think of it, it doesnt seem that far fetched you know. One problem with us humans are we are always limited by the technology of our time to fully comprehend the extent and impact of some of the ideas out there. Think about it, if you were in the 18th century and somebody told you that there is something called a TV where faces move in and out and talk to each other. You will probably think its like a crystal ball all these seers and fortune tellers use.

I was never a big believer of prayers groups but it does make sense that if every human thought has a mass and there are many humans praying together, thinking about the same thing, then even if their thoughts are not concentrated and focused individually, in a group they can acquire enough mass and ability to do many great things.  There have been instances where people just by thinking about diseased cancer cells have been able to cure themselves. The same goes for Saints in the Himalayas where just by the power of constant meditation they are able to regenerate dead cells much faster and tend to live a very long life.

So many miracles out there happen all the time and we all attribute  them to God. I honestly think we give the Big guy up there too much credit. We ourselves cause these miracles. How many times has it happened that just when we are thinking about something, it happens. Sometimes we attribute that to coincidence, sometimes we call it “the black tounge”.

Its written in many holy books that God created Humans in his wake, i.e. in his image. I have come to believe that each one of us as vessels which have the ability to become this God. We all work towards understanding the universe and understanding the existence of God but I have realised that understanding one self is what it actually means to understand god. We can be one with ourselves, If we can control our thoughts, emotions and feelings, if we can at our will focus and learn to let go of things, we can truly understand what it means to be God. Being one with ourselves is like being one with universe which is like being one with God.

I am still in the middle of really trying to comprehend the implications and consequences of these vague and unclear things. I will follow-up on this entry soon.

Until then….

Be it our parents, our friends, our society or even we ourselves, in the back of our heads we  generally tend to make choices which will place us in  the good books of one of the four’s mind. It is often rare that the choices we make matches the expectations of all around us. Our society expects us to be good environmentally friendly citizens, but we  want to drive fast cars and use the coolest stuff around us without thinking much about recycling and other green concepts. Our parents want us to attend every class and study hard all the time, but our friends expect us to have fun and enjoy with them as much as possible. I can list Hundreds of examples, almost every little thing we do in our day to day lives is a choice between whose expectation should we really match.

We cannot just live life the way we want it. Unfortunately for us, we dont have this kind of freedom. Even the scum of the society feel bounded by this rationality. Similarly, we cannot just live our life the way our parents, or our society, or our friends want it. We are just not programmed to function this way. If this was the case, then we might as well just be Robots. Press a button and we do this, press a button and we do that. We can’t live our life just chasing others expectations, neither can we do so fulfilling only our own. Our life has many elements are around us and maintaining a balance is what we consciously, or sub consciously tend to pursue.

Lets look at this whole thing from a different angle. Lets think about all the times when we place our expectations on others. We expect that our parents take care of us, feed us, support us and xyz other things. We expect our friends to be there for us, have fun with us, trust us, talk to us and what not. We expect the society to provide us a safe living environment, a cleaner atmosphere, a prosperous economy and the list is endless. We expect ourselves to give the best we can in any scenario, improve ourselves in various ways, earn money, build a career and so on…The expectations we place on others is almost similar to the ones they place on us. Now think about this. To what extent can we truly say that we live up to them? To what extent do we honestly believe that we are on the right track? To what extent are we what we want to be?

I can not say for everyone out there, but in my case, which I believe is the case for a majority out there, we are unable to match all these expectations placed on us from all these different kinds of people. Neither are we really satisfied with the way other live up to our expectations of them. It makes me wonder, If one day all our expectations are met and we live up to all the expectations placed on us, does it mean we will live a happier and more satisfying life? Will that mean that there will a peaceful world? Or will we just lose our self identity as our egos will be erased? Or will the conflict of interests lead to greater disruption of harmony? I can only wait and wonder…

Each one of us perceives love in our own unique way. Our experience, our age, our level of maturity are among the factors which help us shape our definition of love. So the question now arises, why do we need to define “Love”? I mean its stupid right, all our lives we’ve been told that once  we do fall in love we will just know it, we will just feel it. We dont need pre requisites and post conditions to realize we are in love. But you know,,, aren’t you curious? One thing we humans lack is patience and one thing we have a bit too much of is curiosity and when these two bastards work together, we tend to spend hour and hours wasting our time in trying to explain pointless stuff.  So here I am sitting in front of my laptop, breaking my head and wasting my time, hoping that i can somehow get a clearer picture of this sneaky bastard called love.

Love is something which we all want, but do we really need it? Is it just a necessity of life or a given choice? People who fall in love always go on and on about how wonderful it is, and many times even those who dont are more than happy living a single life, meeting new people all the time. Someone once told me,” I feel sad for the person who ever falls in love”. Love can bring more pain than happiness. When things dont work out between two people, when the love is a unrequited one, falling out of love can be really hard and not one person alive would want to go though the pain. However nobody can really contemplate how much being in real love can mean to them.

I have always wondered how somebody knows when they are in love, so I went about asking all sorts of people, some who have already been/are in love, some who think they are, and some who hope they will be soon. The replies I got from them were very interesting cause no two people had the same set of answers. Love is when you stop being rational and start being irrational. Love is when u know that you want to spend the rest of your life with that one particular person. Love is when someone accepts you for who you are with all your flaws and qualities and somehow completes you. Love is when you get a sense of purpose, a feeling of being needed. Love is when u stop thinking about everything else and only think about that one person. Love is when you get butterflies when that one person comes in front of you. Love is divine, love is everything.

From the above phrases one thing is clear, it’s very difficult to draw a line between liking someone, being infatuated with them and loving them. They are three separate things and yet have overlapping attributes. I believe that likeness can lead to love but infatuation can only lead to disaster. The whole concept of love at first sight is plain stupid and the fact that soul-mates exist is  very clichéd. There is only lust at first sight and people confuse this with love. Also, think about it, there are 3 billion people of the opposite sex out there, no matter who you end up with, there has to be one other person out there who is better suited for you.

I asked a lot of my friends to describe love in three words and here are a few of the responses that I got-  Love is about compromise, respect, trust, understanding, addiction, acceptance, idealism, perception, pervasive, omnipotence, omniscience, blindness and happiness. Many of you relate to some of these terms. Most of these terms can be divided into optimistic and pessimistic sets. It’s funny how people have such contrasting opinions, some positive, some negative, some think love is all there is too this life, some think love is bitch and should be locked up, but one thing is for sure no matter who we are, none of us can stop  thinking about – What is this son of a bitch called Love?